Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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