watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
