I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
