i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you didnt know i had herpes?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
