My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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