I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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