My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
