He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
