i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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