he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
