I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I currently don't understand fingers.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
