If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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