I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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