Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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