I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
