i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
