help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
