I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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