I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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