Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
