Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
