my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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