He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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