After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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