For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
