Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
