I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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