bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
