I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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