Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
