After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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