Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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