There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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