you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
