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You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
