no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
