I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
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So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I just sharted jello shots
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