dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
