When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
As shirtless as possible
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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