I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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