clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm having to shit out rocks
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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