The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
