she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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