After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
