Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this boner is exhausting
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
