he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
