Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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