I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Everclear isn't food dammit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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