my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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