I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
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I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
