Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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