what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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