Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have feelings that need drinking.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
