Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
