I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
