It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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