I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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