So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
