Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
