Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
