i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo