My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.