this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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